why take me this far?

Dear God,

Why take me this far only for me to fail?

At the time of writing, my dream university course is within reach — I've been invited to interview, which means I've passed the most selective round. In the lead-up to my interview, however, I was filled with such half-heartedness because I feared that, even if I made it in, my acceptance wouldn't be guaranteed until I secured that elusive scholarship.

And, truth be told, I've been so burnt out and demoralised following my earlier scholarship rejection late last year.

To make matters worse, an unfortunate mess-up between EST and EDT and SGT and UTC led me to miss my interview... And now I'm just in a state of limbo and pure uncertainty as to when my make-up interview (if, God willing, the admissions team grants me mercy) will be...

I've got a great cycling expedition from home to Punggol with S planned for tmr morning, 4am. It was meant to be part-healing, part-cathartic, part-post-interview-celebration. Now I just feel terribly uneasy and out of sorts because I worry I cannot enjoy the cycle.

But I need to learn that these things don't always need to be earned — I don't need to clear something major before allowing myself to let loose, but, rather, allow these rhythms to be imbued into my daily life. And, who knows, my life may be changed yet again. Going long distances really does something to you.

So I'm going to spend this morning talking and going over my responses again and again and again until they roll off my tongue without hesitancy. Maybe it was a blessing that I didn't do my interview last night because I was high-key panicky and all. I've now reassumed my state of zen and indifference and I hope this persists.

With the little faith I have to offer, I pray with all my heart that God did not bring me this far for me to fail.