suspended

this is a season in my life where i feel like everything that has ever kept me tethered is being uprooted in its entirety.

i feel like i'm being suspended face-down in mid-air, taunted by the dangling of my past before my eyes and engulfed by what looms above and around.

i've always held firm to my belief in God, to my belief that there is an objective morality and an objective? way to live life—in accordance to His will. i always found comfort in this (and maybe still do) because it felt assuring have a "life guide" to follow (abide by) amidst the cacophony of conflicting narratives in the world. it was comforting to pray and have my darkest worries and desires purposefully torn away from my heart and tossed up into the darkness of nothing (and everything). it was comforting to take pride in my identity as a Christian (i still do, i think) and i miss when i looked forward to attending cg and church and being surrounded by like-minded Christians.

now i've reached a point where i've gone so deep? into the faith or into sharing the faith with others that every question that has ever been asked is flying back into my face at full force. what is the point of praying if God already has a plan? what is the point of praying if there's a "Christian" way to explain away all outcomes of said prayer? what is the point of praying if God's plan is for me to fail? what difference does a prayer make? why is there so much unnecessary evil in the world? why did God not programme us to do better things with our free will? why this specific amount of "evil" programmed into each of us—why not less? did God intend for this?

i know these questions seem stupid and even i can rationalise some of them. but they still bother me. and i've reached a stage of cynicism where i feel constantly skeptical of others' intentions, especially those of church leaders and pastors—are they saying all this just as a catch-all message to elicit a more emotional congregational response? because isn't that, for them, the greatest and most tangible measure of success?

i've also come to recognise the pains of having humans mixed with religion and religious interpretation—the sheer interpretability of the Bible (especially when taken out of context) has produced such divisive views on the simplest of matters and it really breaks my heart to see how some (erroneous) positions have been taken by many Christians with such judgement and emotional intensity that has simply driven away so many pre-believers.

idk.

and what about the young, unadulterated love i used to have for all my friends? when i wasn't constantly holding them to some unrealistic standard, constantly assessing them and micro-analysing their actions and being subconsciously (or consciously) calculative of the value they were each bringing into my life. when did it all go so wrong? i suppose we're living in a time where we're meeting more people than we were ever designed to meet; and, by that, it's near impossible to maintain close connections with all the friends we've ever made. idk. then it bothers me so deeply about the meaning and value and longevity of my promises and words and acts of love (and vice versa) because what weight do they hold if they are never immune to the cruel reality that is change and time?

hm idk.

but i wish (i pray) to be filled again with God's love, to be refreshed by his unending river of love (if it is real), and to live and love more unabashedly and less critically.

and to find God in the small and not the big because the big is where i start feeling small but in a distant way and not in a good way.

gah writing this leaves me with a bitter taste in my mouth idk why

From Baker and Cook (South Buona Vista) on 19 Oct 2026